[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, July 15th, 2007|
|Saturday, March 18th, 2006|
It's two weeks before the anniversary of Wes' death. I am holding out better than I have anticipated. Last month around this time I really fell off the edge. I was really close to total non-functionality. The past week I have evened out somewhat. My current feeling is not that of depression but of befuddlement and confusion. My brain still is not working correctly. For instance, at work whenever someone comes to me to think fast (solve a problem, glance at something to check it if its right, any siutation where a quick judgment has to be made), my brain literally stops. It goes completely blank. I have to make something up to cover it. But it is the strangest sensation. One thing this experience is teaching me is compassion and tolerance. Here I am trying my best and it's like I am looking at something in a different language that has no cognates with English. My inner view of the world is so different from what people must see, or else they would show more concern or challenge me or something. I dunno. Maybe they do notice and don't care. I don't know and apparently I no longer have the wherewithal to care either. Or maybe I do care. If I didn't, I guess I wouldn't be typing into the wind right now. As I said, I am confused. Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, February 21st, 2006|
|Words of advice and current mood
My partner died in April 2005 and since then I have been just kinda floating. I have not been able to really talk about it with anyone so I went to a therapist and she told me to talk to people about it. But I told her that's the problem I can't seem to talk about it and she said "Why do you think that?". Heck, if I knew why, I wouldn't be paying for her services!
True, people do always ask "How are you?", but they always ask in a room filled with other people, or in a public place, or while just passing by. If they really did care, wouldn't they ask privately? In the past year maybe two or three people have asked me privately sincerely how I felt. Of course, then the problem of me having problems talking about it kick in, but here's some advice if anyone is reading this and you have a friend who has lost their best friend/partner and you sincerely want to help them...ask them in private and ask them often how they are and make sure that you really have the time to just talk with them (actually you will wind up probably just listening to them if you can get them to talk). The problem with me I actually had a few ask privately but not one of them tried past the first attempt (and one of them was so obviously uncomfortable when I forced myself to start talking about the experience that I stopped at the beginning and then felt guilty about talking about it with them) . For goodness sake, I am still tender and raw and it is against my nature to be chatty about things that deeply deeply hurt me...you expect to hit a home run the first time up to bat?
I really do need to get out more and make some friends. Maybe I will figure out the process someday. I know I am my worst enemy and I am not an easy person to know or like, but somedays I feel like I have to slap myself and just get over it. But, if it were so easy, I guess I'd be over it by now.
Seeing the therapist in an hour and I feel like crap. Why does something a natural as death cause so much damage? After some 5,000 years of civilization, you'd think us hotshot advanced sentient creatures could have figured out something that would make the process less debilitating. I want to get on with my life and the spirit is willing, but I still feel like crap. What possible evolutionary purpose does this all achieve? Stumps me.
Oh well, maybe yelling into the wind will make me "transition" better. I do not want to die a misanthrope. I guess that's why I am posting. Current Mood: WITH THE MATERIAL WORLD
|Friday, May 13th, 2005|
|Coming up for air
I miss Wes. Grieving is more complex and soul-crushing than I had anticipated. Everything has become hollow, even me. I read the autopsy today. I was happy to have something about Wes. It's the closest I can get to him now. But I am still sad. I am told that it will pass, but I wonder if I will always be a little empty. I know I will always be a little happy along with the empty because he did bring great joy and happiness to my life. But his memory is still warm. He is still warm. I cry when I think of the memory of him growing cold. But perhaps it will be like the Big Bang, after a few billion years it settles into a nice constant glow. I could look forward to a nice constant glow. And it would be nice to have something to look forward to. The bottom line is I miss Wes and he's all I think about. I can't be too happy because he's not here. I can't be too sad because he would not want me to be. I love him so much that I physically ache. I am very lucky I was able to tell him how I felt before he died. I am even luckier that he was able to tell me how he felt. I believed him as I know he believed me. But I am still very very sad. I know he's not suffering. I know that he's not having to deal with the frustrations and pains of the material world. I know that he knows that his friends and family love him and miss him dearly. But I am still very very sad. I still sit at his grave and cry. I guess it's still early. I feel the loss everyday as if it were the first day. Actually, no, the sense of loss is growing each day. What I cannot bear the day before, I seem to be able to bear the next. Is this growth? Or is it destruction? Maybe I am a phoenix, caught in an endless cycle of having my spirit torn apart right down to the molecules, and then having it miraculously reform itself just in time to be torn apart again. An infinite parade of who I could become? I don't think I even know who I am right now. All my ultimate plans and hopes died on April 1, 2005. I was looking so forward to the rest of my life hanging out with Wes. Of course, I still have Ira. But he's a young man. He must make his way in the world and find his own family and future. I guess I have lost my bliss for the time being, but I know Wes would have wanted me to find a new one. Maybe there is a new bliss out there for me. I can't think of one now without Wes, though. It's so hard to think of anything without Wes in it. I miss him so much. I don't want to think of anything without him right now. Yes, I am a mess. And I don't think I have even gotten close to bottom yet. Current Mood: grieving
|Monday, October 18th, 2004|
Arrrgh!!! Just got the news Hawaii has been cancelled (okay, it's been put on hiatus...but come on!). I liked Hawaii. I liked the background shots. I was even liking the goofy characters...it even had a police woman that beat the crap out of the perps better than the menfolk. I think I will start a memorial section on the episode guide for shows cancelled before a full seaon: Century City, Crusade, Firefly, Karen Sisco, Tarzan, V, and Hawaii, for example.
Hmmm. I wonder if I should include single seaon wonders as well (Adventures of Brisco County Junior, Earth 2, John Doe, Queen of Swords, Secret Adventures of Jules Verne, and Space: Above and Beyond)?
Decisions, decisions. Current Mood: disappointed
|Friday, October 15th, 2004|
|Life...it's just kinda there
Okay, I was googling "uber xena" just to see what was out there, and I found some live journal from some woman that uses the handle "uber_xena"...I posted something on her livejournal, then clicked on MY FACE. Then I clicked on one of my friend's faces (hi Cynthia!) and posted there. And then I thought, geez, I am posting other places, perhaps I should post in my own.
I have discovered bit torrent and my goal is to have ALL Mystery Science Theater 3000's on VCD. I am about 3/4ths of the way there! Yay! I am currently burning Gunslinger (MST3K #511) with Beverly Garland as a sheriff of a small town pretending to be Barbara Stanwyck. It is MST3K gold. Gold, I tell you!
Last night I went to go hear the Director of California State Parks speak. It was a wonderful speech and made me impressed with some of the bi-partisan efforts of the Govinator's administration. I will be going to a reception in a couple of hours at the Adamson House in Malibu and tomorrow I will be part of the hosts at the visitor center at Malibu Creek State Park. This weekend is the annual convention of CALPA (a California association for co-operating associations who work with the state parks in California) and Malibu is sponsoring it.
Hmmm, what else am I doing these days?
I am getting way too much into the current TV season, both US and international by using bit torrent to download the most recent aired TV shows. It's a great way to monitor everything. I have been inspired to expand the whoosh.org episode guide to include Veronica Mars (UPN) and Spooks (BBC).
I just finished coding and choosing the graphics for the lead November article for Whoosh.org. Now, I have to e-mail Cynthia so she can write the witty little alt tags for it.
Talk to you later, gater.
|Saturday, February 21st, 2004|
|Xena DVD news
When Davis-Panzer asked me to consult on the 3rd season DVD set, I explained to them that they had to pack the set with extras just to make up for the weaknesses of the previous two sets. Having something for each episode was, for me, the minimum they had to do in order to even start getting back into the fans' good graces. And they delivered by far the best Xena set ever. Now the challenge will be to raise the bar with the subsequent DVD sets.
Having the interviews on each episode and one video commentary on each disk elevates the whole Season 3 set. For sets 4-6, I am trying to convince them to have more than one video commentary per disk for important episode arcs and to expand the
interview participants to include a lot of the crew from New Zealand. In fact, Bret Rudnick lives down there now and he will be doing the interviews for the Kiwis for Xena and Hercules. He will also do the lion's share of work on a feature we want for the 5th season DVD set that will be totally filmed in New Zealand. I will be working on features for sets 4 & 6, the season 4 one more similar to the Sacrifice Retrospective I did for DVD 3. The season 6 feature will be more of a documentary than retrospective (less talking heads).
Also, I think I have scored more deleted/extended scenes for seasons 4-6 (I have requested scenes from more than one episode too). I also have pitched a few extras for seasons 4-6 that I hope will enhance the sets.
By the way, I pitched a lot more stuff for DDV set 3 but a lot of it did not make it in because of various reasons (for example, I wanted a director's cut added to it but it was nixed because of room so we settled on the deleted/extended scenes; I wanted to get Bitter Treat on as an alternative audio track and subtitles, but Universal nixed it; etc.) I am pitching more stuff this time around because if they cut 50% of it, then I still have a lot more stuff than in DVD 3.
Anyways, I have submitted my suggested content layouts for seasons 4-6. Now all I have to do is wait to see what they keep and what they cut.
The absolute earliest they can probably have DVD 4 ready for market is July. Current Mood: tired